09-23-2004, 03:19 PM
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can
you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a ***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a ***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is
how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we
are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a ***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** is four?" After the teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is
falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach
for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says
I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your
Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't
move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of
water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can
you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a ***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus five, that son of a ***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is
how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we
are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a ***I'm Stupid for Swearing*** is four?" After the teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is
falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach
for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says
I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your
Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."