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+--- Thread: Jokes (/showthread.php?tid=2530)
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Jokes - Guest - 04-24-2003
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
There are my 2 jokes :lol::lol::lol:
Jokes - fritoman - 05-20-2003
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9
Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and
grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and
doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in
his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What
do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name
is not William Jefferson Clinton.
I Swear I have never had a bad day on the Gulf Course Myself.
Jokes - fritoman - 05-21-2003
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the ground, when her
neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you doing,there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've
just buried
him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,
"That's because he's inside your damn cat."
Jokes - Scrye - 05-21-2003
:lol:lol, i really liked that one frito!!:lol:
Jokes - GRITS - 05-28-2003
The following was a joke that was sent to me at what I thought was a pretty opportune time
Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large
pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,
she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began
to pig out.
She ate, and ate, and then she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her
face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had eaten
far too much and could not get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning
upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!
She realized if she could just climb up that handle
and jump off to become airborne she'd be able to fly
again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the
handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her
tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She
dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full
of shit."
disclaimer This is a fictional story and is not intented to represent any real fly living or dead and is not meant to reflect on any recent events....yeah right :P
Jokes - jabbahunt - 05-28-2003
And i'll bet there were no live flys harmed or injured during the telling of this story.
Jokes - jabbahunt - 05-28-2003
Ok, i'm slow, I just got Wd's joke from previous page, a cloth to clean up with. lmao.
Jokes - GRITS - 05-28-2003
No wait it is funny that way Jabba hehehehe thanks for clarifying it
Jokes - fritoman - 05-29-2003
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that
much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all
the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the
house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an
offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Jokes - fritoman - 05-30-2003
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?"