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Jokes
#31
I think fuzzy's post was directed towards vash, anna.:P
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#32
Quote:notice one : there is no force named MORON

Have you checked ?

Quote:2: even if there was it probably couldnt change into a neutron

An exception within the world of science no one knows about ?

Quote:3: theres no such thing as a PEON outside warcraft 3

Havent played Warcraft so i wouldn't know....

Quote:WOAH WTH HAS UNI DONE TO ME??

An improvement ?
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
[Image: stoned.jpg]
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#33
John Kerry visits a school classroom. They are in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr.
Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So
the illustrious Senator asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy'."

"No," says Kerry, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 Children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. Kerry. "That's what we would call a great
loss'."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Kerry searches the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
'tragedy'?"

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a Quiet
voice, he says: "If your campaign plane, carrying you, Mr. Kerry, were
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would
be a 'tragedy'."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Kerry. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a 'tragedy'?"

"Well," says the boy "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss'
and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either
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#34
lol thats funny quick :lol:
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#35
Subject: Moon or Florida


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening,
looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther
away........Florida or the moon"?

The other blonde turns and says, "Hellooooooooooooooooo, can you see
Florida from here?"...
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#36
lmao frito, I haven't heard that blonde joke till now. Its good

This is one is a lil dirty :o
Why was the blonde so confused when she went to the bathroom???

Shes not used to pulling her own pants down.
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#37
James Bond is, as you may have noticed, getting more than a little old now. Therefore one day MI5 decided to recruit a new 00 agent. After months of interviewing, shortlistng, testing, repeating etc they get down to 3 people who they simply couldnt choose between. So they devised a simple test, one after another, they summoned them to a corridor and gave them this talk: -

"you're almost there. This is the final test. Take this gun, walk into that room and kill your spouse, who is sitting inside."

The first one, a man, looked at the gun, then the door, then wordlessly put the gun down. The assessors wished him a safe trip home.

The second one, also male, took the gun and walked inside. After a long, pregnant pause he came out again, and gave the gun back. They wished him a safe trip home as well.

The third, a woman, took the gun and walked straight into the room. The assessors heard several gunshots, grunts cracks and a final scream. She walked out, looking somewhat sweaty.

"Im sorry, the gun was loaded with blanks so i had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: If you dont get the facts straight with women then you ought to expect consequences.
EEEEXCEELLEEEEEEENNT!!
[Image: SkaWars.JPG]
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#38
amen brother :thumb:
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#39
LOL :D:D:D:lol::lol::lol:
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#40
Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.


bwahahaha
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#41
What did the black man say to the other black man?


Are you going to eat y our cornbread.
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#42
what do you call a cow that gets an abortion?


Decalfinated. =0


did i mention i'm thinking of turning vegan for a month as a new years resolution? lol


(for the record :: i've heard the tragedy joke a long time ago originally intended for either bush or clinton.)
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#43
OK...

so theres these two blondes walking in the woods having a fun conversation...
the first blonde looks down and says, "OH LOOK! DEER TRACKS!"
the second looks down and says, "oh no...those are too big, i would say moose or bear tracks"

the conversation ended when they both got hit by a train.
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#44
Dunno if ive told anyone this one... i thought the whole world had heard it till i tried to tell it to someone last week and realised they actually didnt know the ending.

A guy walks into a 5th floor bar deserted apart from the bartender and a guy at the bar in a wheelchair. after a few drinks the cripple lets the guy in on a secret:-

"If you jump out of that window at the back while thinking of beer, the wind will catch you and float you back up again."

Of course the guy didnt believe him to the point of staking £50 on it. So the cripple finishes his drink, gos the the window, jumps out, and as if by magic he floats back up again. The guy cant believe this, so he pays up then jumps out the window, happily think of guinness as his head hits the concrete at the bottom.

The bartender looks up: - "You know, youre a b****** when your drunk superman."
EEEEXCEELLEEEEEEENNT!!
[Image: SkaWars.JPG]
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#45
Time for the lawyer bashing to start HAHA!

There is this guy and he HATES lawyers with a passion. Everytime he is driving down the road and he sees a lawyer, he HAS to run him/her over. Well this guy is driving down the road and he sees a nun stranded on the side of the road. Well being the good samaritan that he is, he picks her up and procedes to take her to a car care place. Well along the way he spots one of those annoying lawyers you see on comercials all the time also stranded on the road. He grins like a maniac and starts to head straight for him, but at the last second he remembers the nun in the passenger seat and swurves away from the lawyer, barely missing him. He turns to the nun and says, "I almost hit that lawyer!" The nun smiles and responds, "Thats ok. I got him with the door!"



How do you prevent a lawyer from drowning???

Take your foot off his head!


A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"



A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"



A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."




An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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#46
it seems like u don't like lawyers....:lol:
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#47
The check for 30,000 is funny.
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#48
Gragoon,Nov 30 2004, 09:42 AM Wrote:it seems like u don't like lawyers....:lol:
MEEEE??? not like LAWYERS??? NOOOOOO!!! Couldn't be...
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#49
I have a friend studying law. However he is not your typical law student. I have seen him wandering round his room in a dinner suit with no shoes or socks, listening to folk music and shouting BLASPHEMY out the window.

Sorry this isnt a joke. But i thought you would appreciate this look into a future lawyer.
EEEEXCEELLEEEEEEENNT!!
[Image: SkaWars.JPG]
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#50
WOW I just read the life of FreeFall lol him with his ranting on and hie shouts of "BLASPHEMY" hehehe.
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#51
OH crap this is a joke area um umm um ok old one will save me.

A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender asks, why the long face? :P ok theres my joke
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#52
man walks into a bar








ouch
EEEEXCEELLEEEEEEENNT!!
[Image: SkaWars.JPG]
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#53
No its...

2 men walk into a bar...

The third one ducks
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#54
Son SAYS: Daddy, how was I born? DAD SAYS: Ah, my son,
I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well,
you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!
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#55
what do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef.

What do you name a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eilleen.

What do you call two men without arms or legs sitting on a window sill?

Curt and Rod.

what do you call a woman with no arms or legs in between two pieces of bread?

Patty.

(there are a ton of these, but i don't recall any at the moment. for now, however, let's move on to the liquor.)

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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#56
Tim Allen had this to say about Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson & Kobe Bryant are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail."
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#57
West Jet joke:
A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Calgary.
The son turned to his mother and asked,"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to things she
was not prepared to discuss with her young son, told him to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" the boy
admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are
no baby planes because WestJet always pulls out on time.
Your mother can explain that to you."
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#58
1st one...

read this outloud to yourself without thinking about it

I AM WE TODD IT

2nd one

Three men were standing in the club and talking to each other when they noticed this really buff man with a extra small head.

So the three men seeing this guy wanted to ask why his head was so small but were scared cause he was so big.
But they finally worked up the courage and figured that if he tried something they all could take em
So they approach the guy and asked, " Hey no offense, but why is your head so small?!"
The guy said, " Ok this is what happen"
" I was walking down the beach one day and I saw a bottle."
I was going to throw the bottle into the ocean when a gorgeous female genie appeared and said she would grant me three wishes.
So i proceed to wish for half of all the money in the world.
Bam, I got that
Then I wished for a beautiful, huge manison.
Bam, I got that
So I couldn't figure out what I wanted for the last wish since i already had everything i wanted so I looked at the genie and said
Could I get a little ass?
The genie said, " im sorry i can't do that"
So I said, "How bout a little head?"

3rd one
Ok, this guy's uncle was really, really drunk and was driving
so of course a police notices this and pulls him over
The cop tells him to walk a straight line.
The guy goes and tries to walk as best he can, but he walks all around and missing the line completely
The cop says, "Your so drunk you can't walk a straight line!"
The guy says, " Thats why I drive!"
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