Jokes revisited

[GRITS]

Ok I am thinking this must be a joke because it was funny but the way history is you never really know........

The History of Giving the Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker," (which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow.) the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental's fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with a procreative encounter. It is also, because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows, that the symbolic gesture is known as "flipping the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything!
Thus endeth the lesson for today.

[Gwarsbane]

Here are a few that I have collected since the last group :)




Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. His wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says....."Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".


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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God,it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzards."


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Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

12 If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

13. And Finally..... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan


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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, 'I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the harbour."

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The Clever Lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out

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Two men are driving through Houston, Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Houston, Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car. "The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here. "The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that ###### would've tried that shit with me!

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How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, w hereto buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[GRITS]

:lol:
saved the best for last I see

[g-boy]

When it was only 6 months ago I was studying the circulatory system, this is the kind of crap that comes to mind. I know it's only a part of a joke, but just to be specific, arteries are more of a worry when it comes to high blood pressure than veins. And often times it's the arteries themselves that cause the high blood pressure because they start to harden and lose their elasticity. I know, I'm a nerd, the curse of a science major.

[GRITS]

OMG what a science nerd...:P

[Guest]

Hmm.... did someone remove my post? it seems to have disappeared... if not I'll repost it...:)

[GRITS]

moi

[jabbahunt]

A travelling salesman visits Waxahachie, Texas and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."

Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.

There, spot-lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to the table is an old retired cowboy.

Suddenly, the old cowboy unzips his pants, whips out a huge member and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texas is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later, the salesman visits Waxahachie, Texas again and sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his feat, so he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts though, three coconuts are placed on the t! able.

The Texan stands before the table and then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Texan,....

"my eyes ain't what they used to be."

[jabbahunt]

and omg, I know this is late but lady and gwars, those post are nuts I keep flipping off my puter screen making sure my finger is there and ckecking my eyesight.

[fritoman]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Guest]

Im sure youve all heard this one, trying to keep it PC here though, have to admit, GB some of that shit made me literally laugh out loud. Anywho
Duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender "got any duckfood?" Bartender looks at him oddly and says "what does this look like, a petstore? Buy something or get out."
Next day, duck walks back into bar and asks again "Bartender, do you have any duckfood?" The bartender looks at him as if hes insane and replies "Look i don't have any duckfood, now get out."
Third day duck goes back, again, he asks "Hey bartender, got any duckfood?" This time the bartender replies "Look here 'duck' if you come back again and ask for anymore duck food im gonna take a hammer and nail your balls into that stool."
Fourth day duck goes back in, asks the bartender "Hey bartender, got a hammer?" Bartender replies "well, no." Duck asks "Got any nails?" Bartender again replies "Well no, why would I?" Duck says "Well then, you got any duck food?"

Stupid kids joke:P, wanted to make it spicier but nah.