Jokes

[:/ lil face]

What is E.T. short for?



Because he's got little legs :lol:

[GRITS]

Ok I am not sure if I get the post....are all of the jokes suppose to be "bad" ones hehehehe

[:/ lil face]

Ok I am not sure if I get the post....are all of the jokes suppose to be "bad" ones hehehehe

GRITS-----> :lol:<_< <------ me

[GRITS]

Ok I am not encouraging risque....this is about as risque as I want it to get....What are Playboy's three favorite games?

Checker, Chess and Poker

if you dont get it say it out loud a couple times:rolleyes:

Ok so it was my favorite joke when I was 11:D

[noxious]

Ah GRITS, that one took me a while but I got it:P

Here's mine..

A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

[RuNnInG_wIth_ScISsOrS]

I take offense at that! <_< I'm Irish ya know. :lol:

[fritoman]

what do you call a dog with no legs?
you dont cus he wont come to you anyway;)

[noxious]

I take offense at that! <_< I'm Irish ya know. :lol:

Does that joke even qualify as racist? I thought it was just a joke that used random races so that you can tell who is who.

[PuNkGirL]

There were 3 women walking through the desert once, a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. They are walking along and then they come across this magical lamp. So they pick it up and rub it and sure enough a genie pops out. He says that since there are three of them they can each have one wish.

The brunette thinks a bit then says, "I'd like to be home with my husband and kids." The genie nods and sends her to husband and kids.

The red-head says, "I'd like to go home and see all my friends!" So the genie nods and sends her to all her friends.

Finally the blonde looks around and then at the genie. She blinks several times then says, "I'm lonely can you bring my two friends back?"

[RuNnInG_wIth_ScISsOrS]

Hehe, not at all.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

It's been a rough day.. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[g-boy]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[PuNkGirL]

3 men died and went to heaven. When they got there St. Peter was standing at the gate and he says to them. "Before you get in, you must each tell me how faithful you have been to your wives."

So the first one steps up to St. Peter and says "I only cheated on my wife 2 times." St. Peter then nods and says ok. Then a Dodge Neon rolls up and St. Peter says "This vehicle is yours for all eternity since you cheated on her twice."

The Second guy nervousily steps up to St. Peter and says "I cheated on her 6 times..."
Peter then nods and a beat up el camino rolls up and he says "This is your vehicle for the rest of eternity since you cheated on your wife 6 times."

Finally, the third guy smiles and proudly steps up to Peter and says "I have been faithful during our ENTIRE relationship!"
Peter smiles and nods and a REALLY nice Lamborgini Diablo rolls up. he then says "This is your reward for faithfulness"
The man smiles and drives away.

Well a couple of months pass and the first two guys are driving around and then they see the third guy crying on the sidewalk. So they go up to him and say "You got this really nice car and you are crying!?! What's wrong?"

The guy looks up and says "I just saw my wife... and she was on rollar skates"

[jabbahunt]

Two men were playing golf, they were very involved in a heavy bet. Standing over a very important putt worth $300 they notice a funeral procession pass by on a nearby road. One of the men takes his hat off kneels and bows his head until it passes.
The other man is awed by the act of respect and says "Jack, I didn't realize you were so spiritual"
Jack says "Well, we were married for 40 yrs" :angel:

[fritoman]

hehehe jabba thats great:lol:
frito

[RuNnInG_wIth_ScISsOrS]

Hehe. Need more jokes!

[noxious]

LMAO Jabba's is pretty good.




What''s grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.

What''s even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.

[jabbahunt]

now that's funny

[:/ lil face]

A Preist, a Rabbi, and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and

says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":lol:

[jabbahunt]

I woke up this morning with a huge hangover.
I had to force myself to even open my eyes and there on the end table was 3 aspirins and a glass of water.
At the foot of the bed were my clothes all neatly pressed and the rest of the house was spotless.
I take the aspirins and notice a note on the table"Honey, there's pancakes and eggs on the stove, and fresh
coffee, I left early to go shopping, love you."
I went in the kitchen and sure enough there is breakfast and even the paper. My son was sitting at the table eating, so I asked him,
"Son what happened last night"
he said " Well, you came home after 3 a.m. drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and gave yourself a black eye when you ran into the door.
Really confused, I asked him, "So why is everything so nice this morning"
My son said "Oh that. Mom drug you into bed, and when she was trying to take your pants off, you said,
"Lady leave me alone, I'm married" :thinkey:

[Gwarsbane]

I found this over at the MekTek forums


GOOD NEWS!!!!!
Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on terrorism!!
They have pledged 2 battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.

THE BAD NEWS!!!!!
With the current exchange rate, that comes out to 2 canoes, a mountie
and a couple of flying squirrels.

[Gwarsbane]

Canadian military at its finest lol

[jabbahunt]

How do you find a blind guy on a NUDE beach.
"It's not hard".

[:/ lil face]

Gwars, those were funny pictures!:lol:hehehehahah

ok ok...hehehahaha the guy with the handgun hehehahaaaaaaAAAHH ok..umm ok

A man walks into the psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap and the doctor says,
I can clearly see your nuts!

[:/ lil face]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite
sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to
employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see
Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did.
"Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang
then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary
Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[Gwarsbane]

In the US they are trying to get the french to co-operate....

In Canada we gave up on that about 130 years ago



Heard that on Mike Bullard tonight.

[jabbahunt]

Why doesn't Ozzy Ozbourne play in Canada?
He would have to pay child support.



have 4.57 drinks, do some research and joke gets funnier

[SoulEvan]

Here's a varying group.

Yo mama's so fat, to **** her you gotta kick her in the a** and ride the wave in.

Virginity like balloon. One prick, all gone...

Sex at age 60 is like playing pool with a rope.

Sex is like air. It's only important if you're not getting any.

Sex is like poker. You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

How do you fit 4 homosexual guys on 1 stool? *shudder*

How do you get a one-armed Aggy(if you don't know, oh well. I like blondes;)) out of a tree? Wave to him.

A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender turns out to be quite the inventor. He asks the guy...
BT - "Hey, would you like to try out this new invention I've created?"
Bored, the man agrees. The bartender goes into the back room and returns with an apple.
He hands it to the man and tells him to take a bite, so he does.
G - "Amazing! This tastes just like vodka!"
BT - "Yeah I know! But taste the other end."
G - "Oh WOW! Just like orange juice! A screw driver apple?!"
The bartender nods, brings out another apple and hands it to him.
BT - "Here, I've been working a long time on this type."
G - "Oh my god!!! This tastes like...like...CRAP!! What the heck did you give me?!?!"
The bartender grins evilly and responds, "don't worry about it man. Taste the other end."

;)

[GRITS]

ok WD I didnt get the joke but still lmao hehehehe:lol:

[SoulEvan]

I think the fact it doesn't make sense to me makes it funny. :D

[PIX]

OMG Gwar...those pics had me rolling. I just printed them out for my office.:lol::D:lol: