I didn't read it all yet, but first thing is get rid of the arabic numbers... when writing anything, whether you want it to be a work of literature or unique compared to everything else, you always spell out numbers. Exceptions would be like if you had in quotes what a sign said like "The sign read 'Motel 6.'" Another exception might be if you are referring to something mathematical or monetary. Even then, it would be better to write "three dollars" instead of "$3.00." And in dialogue... you would never ever use arabic numbers, because you are writing what the person is actually saying. One of the big problems with using arabic numbers (aside from the fact that you'd never get published...) is when you start a sentence with it. It is extremely distracting. Sentences start with capital letters, and if you start it with a number, there is nothing to capitalize. So it looks really weird.
One other "exception" might be for large or complex numbers. That can get confusing to the reader, like "sixteen million four hundred and seventy-two thousand nine hundred and thirty-two" is annoying compared to 16,472,932. However, generally you wouldn't use numbers like that unless you are referring to a statistic or something like that, in which case you may put in in arabic numbers anyway.
When I read more of it, I'll criticize some more... I'm a writer too, so I'll let let you know when something bothers me... I wanted to punch your lights out when I first saw it (The 2 girls giggled and started laughing) and then I wanted to cut your body into little pieces and use it as chum when I noticed you consistently did it. The thing is, if you've written that much, I feel sorry for you, because you're gonna have to go through and change almost every number. Alright, alright, I'll shut up now before I get carried away.
P.S. Forgot this, never spell out dates, use the arabic numbers, and also sometimes a person's age.
One other "exception" might be for large or complex numbers. That can get confusing to the reader, like "sixteen million four hundred and seventy-two thousand nine hundred and thirty-two" is annoying compared to 16,472,932. However, generally you wouldn't use numbers like that unless you are referring to a statistic or something like that, in which case you may put in in arabic numbers anyway.
When I read more of it, I'll criticize some more... I'm a writer too, so I'll let let you know when something bothers me... I wanted to punch your lights out when I first saw it (The 2 girls giggled and started laughing) and then I wanted to cut your body into little pieces and use it as chum when I noticed you consistently did it. The thing is, if you've written that much, I feel sorry for you, because you're gonna have to go through and change almost every number. Alright, alright, I'll shut up now before I get carried away.
P.S. Forgot this, never spell out dates, use the arabic numbers, and also sometimes a person's age.