Tobacco

[kermit]

i feel like that guy in the flash cartoon. trying to quit and there are people out there who seem so free with a coffee in one hand and a cig in another. that's how it seems anyways. i try to tell myself they are miserable but they are all smiling and laughing...argh!!! i've made it no secret that i've been smoking for 12 years. i went all christmas break (3 weeks) without a cig and damnit i started up again when school started...thought i could handle just one and damn, i didn't realize how bad it tasted. it sucks because i felt like i finally beat it but then i backslided. the first two weeks without a cig were horrible. i couldn't get up in the mornings, slept 12-14 hours a day and showered infrequently. i had zero motivation and only stayed in my home the whole time...i guess the nicotine was masking my depression and social anxiety the whole time. the third week was feeling really good though. i felt physically better and everything smelled better. my head felt clearer and i had a lot of energy coming back that i didn't have before. i felt like i could be myself. then i ruined it.-_-

i recently joined the utah quitnet and it provides a forum for smokers who don't wish to be. non-smokers don't generally understand what it feels like or how hard it is to quit especially for those of us who use smoking as a coping mechanism. i'm planning on setting my quit date this friday, making it official on quitnet and get support from people in my position. i know i'm going to have to force myself to get up in the mornings and do things that i don't really feel like doing...like homework and exams and what not. my biggest fear is that i'll quit smoking at the expense of my grades and it feels so damn risky...if i can't concentrate on my studies, i'm screwed...but i really want to graduate from university (this is my last semester) a non-smoker.