Jokes

[Gwarsbane]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

***************************************************************************

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York
City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly,...
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says,... "Chanel No. 5,
$150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she
looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts...
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

[Gwarsbane]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16 year old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.


********************************************************************************
***

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, ?Hey Tim, what're you in for??
?I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,? said Tim.

?Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!?

?Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. ?That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for??

?I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered.

?Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!?

[Gwarsbane]

And one more for today....


If Noah's Ark was Canadian built?

The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2002. Earth was wicked and over populated. The Lord instructed Noah to rebuild the Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint," said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start the rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain came down. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard - and no Ark. "Noah," He roared, "Where's my Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Arks move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this."

"Getting wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals. But then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space."

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood." I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." The trades union wants me to hire only union trades people with Ark building experience."

"To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the World?" he asked.

No," said the Lord. "Your Liberal Government already has!"

[Gwarsbane]

ok ok one more for today :)


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

[Beastie]

I didn't read through the first thread, so I hope no one has already told this one...

Lenny is sitting in a bar mumbling on to the bar tender who is half-listening as he tends to the other patrons.
He says, 'My home... I built it my self with my bare hands, with wood I cut my self. I worked my arse off for weeks! But do they call me Lenny the carpenter?"
The bartender just looks on.
Lenny continues. "And the fence along the yard... I sat out for two days in the blazing heat paining it, three coats of white, while sweat dripped down my aching body! But do they call me Lenny, the painter?!"
He shakes his dirty fist in the air and points to the barkeep. "And I sit in your bar, 5 nights a week, and spend my money drinking your watered down beer until my pockets are empty... do they call me Lenny the drunk?! NO, I would even be okay with that..."

"but ya screw ONE goat......"

[GRITS]

Alcohol Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. (did they hear me?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.(and increases the desire to get up on a stage so everyone can see us look stupid)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. (But I really really do love u all!)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. (What are you saying? I don't sound like J-Lo?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. (ok this one I don't get)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. (cause we are DUH!)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. (wait that hurts!)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

[fritoman]

> > > > Hillary
> > > >
> > > > > Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of
> > > >St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind
> > > >him.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has
> > > >a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
> > > >that she never told a lie."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > >St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
> > > >have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
> > > >entire
> > > >life."
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as ceiling fan.

[fritoman]

> After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the
> mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need
> repair or correction. The pilot completes and then the mechanics read and
> correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the
> form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
> before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
> engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
> complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution
> recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
> airline that has never had an accident.
> KEY:
> P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action
> taken by the engineers.
>
> PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
>
> S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
>
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>
> S: That's what they're there for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
>
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
>
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
>
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit
>
> S: Cat installed
>
>
>
>

[Scrye]

REASONS WHY ITS BETTER TO BE A MAN


-You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

-Your ass is never a factor in an interview.

-Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

-You can leave the motel bed unmade.

-The garage is all yours.

-Wedding plans take care of themselves.

-Chocolate is just another snack.

-You can be president.

-You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

-Car mechanics tell you the truth.

-The world is your urinal.

-Foreplay is optional.

-You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

-You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

-Same work, more pay.

-Wrinkles add character.

-Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

-People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

-Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

-You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

-If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

-If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.

-Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"

-A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

-You can open all your own jars.

-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

-If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

-Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

-Everything on your face stays its original color.

-Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

-You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.

-You almost never have strap problems in public.

-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

-The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

-You don't have to shave bellow your neck.

-One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

-You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

-You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

-You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

-Your orgasms are real. ALWAYS.

-Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

-One mood, ALL the time.

[Scrye]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"

[fritoman]

here is the other side to that Scrye, my mom sent this to me and it fit perfectly here soooooo.
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[SoulEvan]

Hrrmmmmm, you forgot to change all the we's. Something you not telling us frito"man?" O_O LOL, just messing.

Hrm...no joke, so just look at my current avatar (6-12-03) ^^;;

[g-boy]

I've read that same exact sex therapy joke... word for word... where did you find it scrye? :blink:
Can't remember if I posted this one before...

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Thought I'd also throw in a quote from my friend...
"man, if I had a good voice, and an ass, I would be a god"
-My buddy, The Bisc

Oh, and incidentally, statistics show that guys spend more time on the phone than women.

[Wha?]

Consecutive time?

[SoulEvan]

I would agree, but most of the time when I'm on the phone for hours in a single run it's with a girl so yeah.

[Scrye]

i think i found that joke at www.consumptionjunction.com
or its something like that, i just found it and since i haven`t posted a joke yet, i thought it was appropriate!! :D

oh yeah people, if you have a weak stomach then i suggest you don`t go to that web-site and watch the vids!!:blink:

there is some wierd and nasty shit there:wacko: and that goes the same for www.steakandcheese.com

[Chentvin]

What women have in common with computers:

Nobody understand their intern logical.
The pettiest error is stocked in memory to come out at the worst moment.
When you have one, you realize that you must spend half of your salary to buy stuff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
80000 blondes are in a stadium for a big meeting

Speaker: "We are all here to proof to the world that the blondes are not stupids.
Is there any volunteer ?"

A blonde stand up

Speaker: "How much is 15+15 ?"
After about 20 seconds she answers: "18"
All the blondes: "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Speaker: "How much is 5+5 ?"
The blonde: "90 ?"
Everyone is dissapointed. The blonde start to cry and the 80000 blondes shout: "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Speaker: "Ok...How much is 2+2 ?"
After about 1 minute she answers: "4"
The 80000 blondes: "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men are like video: forward, backward, forward, backward..eject, stop :thinkey:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Secretary: I have goods and a bads news
Director : Tell me the good first
Secretary: You are not sterile
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To make sure not all the women hates me: <_<

What mens have in common with computers:

They have a lot of information but no imagination.
They are supposed to help you but most of the time they are the problem.
When you have one, you realize that if you waited a little longer you would have get a more perfomant model.

[SoulEvan]

Just running with Chentvin's nice jokes. ^^;;

For long married couples. Men are like computers when you're broke.

(Warning: Flooded with innuendo. Not for the light of brain.) :blink:

1) Your husband used to be top of the line, but whenever you try to run some software by him now he just makes a scratchy grunting noise and voices his disapproval as much as you'd like to get some work done.

2)He used to be perfect for you. Now you're making desperate attempts to upgrade his ram and video quality.

3)You'd like to get some of his problems taken care of but the warranty ran out several years ago.

4)Whenever you need something done and you ask him to please do it for you he gives you the BSOD. That's right. The Blank Stare of Death.

^_^

[fritoman]

Subject: Fire Truck
>>
>>
>>A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
>>notices
>>a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung
>>off
>>the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is
>>wearing
>>a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
>>The fire
>>fighter walks over to take a closer look.
>> "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter say with
>>admiration.
>> "Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little
>>closer,
>>he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the
>>cat's
>>testicles.
>> "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
>>how to
>>run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the
>>cat's
>>collar, I think you could go faster."
>> The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
>>have a
>>siren."

[sage_4]

owned.

finally thought of one.

A man is talking to a woman at a bar and after a few hours, and a few drinks, they decide to go back to her place.
Just moments after walking through the door they are already getting undressed. Just when he is about to jump on top of her, they both here a car pull into the garage.
"Oh Shit! It's my husband!" the woman screams.
"Your husband? How come you didn't tell me?"
"There's no time, get in here!" and with that he found himself locked inside her bathroom with no clothes.
As the husband walked up the stairs, the only thing the woman could think to do was jump on her bed, still naked.
As soon as the husband sees her, he asks her what she is doing.
"I was....uh....i was waiting for you, lover."
"Oh," he says "in that case, let me go get ready."
And before she can stop him he walks into the bathroom and sees the nude man, trying desperately to get out the window.
"Who are you?"
"I'm the exterminator, I'm just checking out this room for infestation."
"Where are all your clothes?"
The man looks down, acting surprised that his clothes are gone and screams "Those bastards!"

[brokend]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a lot of trouble with shit getting stuck to your fur?"
"No," the rabbit replies. Without hesitation, the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.:lol:

[Gwarsbane]

Actual Instruction Labels...

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

[Gwarsbane]

If you notice, the warning are not just from the USA, they are from all over the world.


And I agree, remove the warnings and let the idiots take themselves out.... then again that would take care of 70% (or more) of the world population. lol

[brokend]

waitwait, which brand of motor oil can't i use in the garden??:blink:

[sage_4]

the thing that scares me is that they wouldnt put those warning labels on there unless that had happened multiple times (like the swedish chainsaw, probably happened a few times).

[Gwarsbane]

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot, I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house.

He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted..."Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!!!

[PIX]

lol....good one Gwar....I'd of held back on the wish of being endowed like that horse though.
I'd hate to have to tuck that badboy in my sock everyday and be doing the goosestep every time
I got aroused.;)

[g-boy]

Yeah... it really is a pain...

[g-boy]

You know it. ;)