06-27-2003, 08:22 AM (This post was last modified: 06-27-2003, 08:25 AM by GRITS.)
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories."Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
:drink:
Ok ok this is a joke my dad told me.
What does your grilfriend mistress and wife say while your doing it.
Girlfriend: More More
Mistress: Harder Harder
Wife: Baige ill paint the celing bagie.
I like that one its dirty but so am I
Yesterday, Scientists announced:
"We have finally come to a conclusion that at some point in their lives, most women actually do contain intelligent DNA in them..."
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE JOKE!
SCROLL FOR THE JOKE!
"Sadly, 75% of them spit it out."
<3 Ladies, just a joke a woman at work told me:)
While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
David and his wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls
home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was
his wife.
The wife is fuming.
She says to the maid... "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the
woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the
gunshots, then more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: But there's no pool here.
(A long pause)
Wife: Is this 832-4821?
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a
lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
This guy was playing golf one day. On the 8th hole of his bad day, he hit his 6 iron for a 3 par
shot and powie...he got a hole in one. Suddenly, out from the hold sprang forth a genie. The genie
said "I have been locked inside the ground for 300 years and you have released me. Ask 3 wishes and I will
grant them. The only catch is that whatever you wish, your wife gets double."
The man was filled with delight and immediately spat out his first wish. "I want to be the most wealthy person in
the world."
"Your wish is granted...but your wife has twice as much money as you!"
"Ok...Ok...that's fine. Now I want to be the world's greatest golfer."
"Your wish is granted...but your wife is better and can beat you."
So the man sat for a long while...pondering his last wish. Then it came to him.
"Ok genie....I have it. You see those trees over there?"
"Yes...yes I do."
"Well...I want you to take me over to those trees and beat me half to death."
She says - English
You want - You want
We need - I want
It's your decision - The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want - You'll pay for this later
We need to talk - I need to complain
Sure...go ahead - I don't want you to.
I'm not upset - Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly - You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight. - Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! - I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights - I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. - I want a new house.
I want new curtains - and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there - No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise - I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? - I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? - I did something today you're really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. - Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? - Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. - Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? - [Too late, your dead.]
Yes - No
No - No
Maybe - No
I'm sorry. - You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? - It's easy to fix, so you'll better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! - Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
She says - English
The same old thing. - Nothing
Nothing. - Everything.
Everything. - My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. - It's just that you're such an ######.
I don't want to talk about it. - Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude". With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled
the dice and yelled," Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down
and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men....are men.:lol:
Due to increasing products liability litigation,
> > > > American liquor manufacturers have accepted the
> > > > FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels
> > > > be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
> > > > containers:
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
> > > > wondering what the hell happened to your bra and
> > > > panties.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> > > > think you are whispering when you are not.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
> > > > factor in dancing like a retard.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
> > > > tell your friends over and over again that you love
> > > > them.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
> > > > think you can sing.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
> > > > believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
> > > > telephone them at four in the morning.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> > > > think you can logically converse with other members
> > > > of the opposite sex without spitting.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
> > > > cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead,
> > > > knees and lower back.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
> > > > illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
> > > > better looking than most people.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
> > > > think people are laughing WITH you.
> > > >
> > > > WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
> > > > pregnancy.
Subject: Coffee
>
>
> > A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
> coffee
> > each morning.
> >
> > The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
> > don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
> >
> > The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
> > should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
> coffee."
> >
> > Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that
> the
> > man should do the coffee!"
> >
> > Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
> >
> > So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at
> the
> > top of several pages, that it indeed says .......
> >
> >
> > "HEBREWS"
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
law?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?) (Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)
09-24-2003, 01:24 PM (This post was last modified: 09-24-2003, 01:25 PM by GRITS.)
I am a Disney freak so I guess that is why I received this 3 times already:D
and I see the humor in it so I hope you do too...just don't share it with baby sis or brother, it is a touch disturbing for toddlers
![[Image: chicken+copy.jpg]](http://www.strike9.com/file.aspx?path=/Mark11111111/fullsize/chicken+copy.jpg)
