Bring your fat ones your stupid ones your blonde ones your darwins! Bring jokes of all sizes and color!
Alright, so to start it off:
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get help from the farmer to help pull him out. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found! So he drives the farmers Mercedes down to the mud hole, and throws some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope around his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving the horse from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mudhole! The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he streched over the width of the hole and said: "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up!" and the chicken did, and pulled himself to safety!
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pickup chicks.
ok you were careful enough with the joke but the "Invite" needs to be toned down, we still need to use some form of decorum.
I think everyone knows to stay away from graphic descriptions and any bigotted or racial jokes.....blonde ones and lawyer ones are ok tho for some reason in the PC books and drummer ones are just too hard to pass up:P
remember we are a diverse group lets not do ethnic jokes.
I actually think that joke is pretty funny. Humor can certainly break the ice on things.
I would only hope that the community here would also accept that one if it wasn't
a 'white guy' but someone of another ethnicity. WE GOTSTA LIGHTEN UP AND LIVE TOGETHER
PEOPLE!!
I know grits will like this
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Shall I continue? Indeed
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started."
Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?"
"From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde.
The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box."
"Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde.
"Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
two points
any joke that offends will be removed, whether it offends me or someone else, if the Ray Charles joke was about a white guy who had some stereotypical black movement and it was deemed offensive it would be removed....this is your chance PIX I dont read minds
and while I am Polish and enjoy good polish jokes it is not wise to perpetuate any stereotype that offends. It may not bother me but I am not the only Pole that reads these forums.
ergo bigotted and racial jokes are inappropriate
but I loved the blonde ones:D
PIX,Aug 19 2004, 11:51 AM Wrote:I actually think that joke is pretty funny. Humor can certainly break the ice on things.
I would only hope that the community here would also accept that one if it wasn't
a 'white guy' but someone of another ethnicity. WE GOTSTA LIGHTEN UP AND LIVE TOGETHER
PEOPLE!!
erm, theres no real issue about that man, just to keep it not racist or anything like that. I don't get that one pix... but..... everyone..... JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!! common now everybody needs to pitch in, I can only laugh so much at the jokes I post :/. And Grits, thought you would:D
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction centre, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction centre began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
08-23-2004, 02:56 PM (This post was last modified: 08-23-2004, 03:31 PM by GRITS.)
So Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross.
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
Patrolling the mean streets of Basra, troops found a british soldier and an iraqi insurgent lying side by side in the road, both badly injured. As the medic patches him up, they ask the british soldier what happened :-
"Me and the terrorist saw each other at the same time. We were pointing our guns at each other, and i shouted 'SADDAM HUSSEIN IS A ^&*%$!!
"He replied 'GEORGE BUSH IS A *£$%!!' We were shaking hands when the truck hit us."
3 female tourists were staying in a hotel. One was a brunette office worker, one a dark haired gangsters moll and one blonde receptionist. One night, the hotel caught on fire, forcing the 3 women to the top of the building where they were stranded. As the flames licked higher, four local men grabbed a blanket, and shouted "Jump!!! We'll catch you!!". So the office worker goers first, jumps, and at the last second they dodge out of the way, letting her fall and laughing "hahahaaaa!! one less foreign pig!!".
They then shouted up, "its okay, we will catch you, we just didnt like her!" The gangsters moll prepares to jump, shouting "If you let me die Fat Tony will make you wish you were never born!!" She jumps, and yet again they dodged and let her fall, this time accompanied by backslaps and high fives.
Once more they shouted "Its okay!! jump! jump!", to which the blonde girl shouted "HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM!! PUT THAT BLANKET ON THE GROUND AND STEP WELL AWAY FROM IT!!"
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
08-25-2004, 08:20 PM (This post was last modified: 08-25-2004, 08:21 PM by fritoman.)
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for
a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the
dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle
on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later
with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway
down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The
little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I
will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl
replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in
the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and! posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had
written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples
Quote:A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."
scary little girl
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have
an oil shortage here in America.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
~~~
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC
~~~
10-28-2004, 12:29 PM (This post was last modified: 10-28-2004, 12:30 PM by GRITS.)
for science nerds out there.....I know there are some that will appreciate this
Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element know to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium [Ad]. This new element has neither protons nor electrons, thus having the atomic number of â0â. It does, however, have 1 neutron and 125 assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electron, Administratium is inert. Administratium can be easily detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years: it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, any Administratium sampleâs mass will actually increase over time since with each reorganization some of the morons become neutrons forming new isotopes. The characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the âCritical Morass: you will know it when you see it.
bah fuzzyshooting your pathetic non scientific mind.
notice one : there is no force named MORON
2: even if there was it probably couldnt change into a neutron
3: theres no such thing as a PEON outside warcraft 3
of course i may be wrong but its either an old april fools article, a sneaky slagging off of their managers by some physicist or other, or both.
![[Image: SkaWars.JPG]](http://mysite.freeserve.com/skawars/Sigs/SkaWars.JPG)
![[Image: stoned.jpg]](http://selvet.dk/grafik/upload/stoned.jpg)