Parts from the book I'm writing

[Gwarsbane]

I have been working on a book for many many years. Its no where near close to being done. Its very rough and I still need to go through it to pick out errors, fix things, add things and stuff like that.

I am posting a few parts that will not give away the plot of the book, but I will say that out of all the books I have ever read, I have never seen anything like this. I won't say more then this and I won't say how how I came up with the idea because that would actually give away the plot also.

Here are a few points to remember....

A) I sucked in english class, I hated being there
B)This is still in the draft stage where its being written and re-written by me
C) I have NEVER shown this to anyone before, nt even my best friend of 22 years has read this yet.
D) I'm not even close to finishing the book. I have 205 pages down, with another 91 pages of plot ideas down
E)This book will have lots of stuff in it... Magic, Tech, Dragons, Mechs (robots), love, hate, death, life, wars, twists and turns. As I said I have never seen a book like this before.

So before I chicken out and delete everything here in the forums, he is parts from my book...

Warning its a long read...

[Guest]

wow, that was real long.

[kermit]

where is it gwars?

[FreeFall]

sounds good so far Gwar....


is what i'd say if I had seen it

[Gwarsbane]

“So how was your weekend at the lake?” Sam asked Nicole as she sat down at the table.

“Boring as usual. I don’t like going up there anymore. It’s not as fun as it used to be.”

“How come?”

“Well it was only Mom, dad and me. I don’t have much to do up there but swim and take walks.” Nicole opened her math book.

“Isn’t there anyone else there?”

“Nope, everyone is scared of TZI, even my parents aren’t going to go back there. They went up this year just to close the place down. I wasn’t even allowed to go for a long walk, I could only walk around the house.”

Sam smiled. “Well at least you don’t have to go up there anymore.” Nicole returned the smile.

“By the way, where’s Markus?”

“He said he had to go out for a while to get something. The others went to meet him.” Sam’s smile turned sly. “You 2 are getting along great.”

“Ya, we’ve gone out a few times, my parents know of him but haven’t met him yet. I was thinking of inviting him over for dinner this week, do you think he’ll come over?” Nicole rested her chin on her hands and looked at Sam.

“He’s a guy, you offer food and he’ll come.” The 2 girls giggled and started laughing. Then settled down to start work on Nicole’s project.


“So Markus, what do ya have in the bag?” Zak asked as he walked up to Markus. The rest of the group was sitting at a table with drinks and some food.

“I picked up a little something for Nicole.” Markus took a little case out of the bag and handed it to Zak. Zak opened the box and looked at the little gold teddy bear.

“I think she’ll really like it, you got good taste.” Zak closed up the box and handed it back to Markus.

“Thanks, I saw it and thought that she’d like it a lot.” Markus smiled.


Alarm sirens started filling the air from all over the city. People started filing out of businesses and homes. The group came over to where Markus and Zak were standing.

“Zak, you and Trent get Markus to a shelter, the rest of us will go get Sam and Nicole.” Jake said, then Zak and Trent grabbed Markus and headed for the nearest shelter. The rest of the group started heading for the apartment.

“Do you think we should go for a shelter?” Nicole asked.

Sam shook her head. “I don’t know, what if everyone comes looking for us, they won’t know if we made it to a shelter or not, beside most of the attacks have been on the west-side of town. We’ll just turn off the lights and stay by the door.”

“Ok.” The 2 girls went over to the door and started putting on their shoes and grabbed their jackets. Sam walked around and turned off the lights. The 2 girls sat in the dark; then Nicole spoke again. “Have you ever...” she paused for a second.

“Have I ever what?” Sam asked, looking at Nicole in the dark.

“Have you ever kissed a boy?”

“No!” Sam almost yelled out. “Gross, that’s sick.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to gross you out.”

“Oh don’t worry about it, I guess I’m not at the age yet that I like boys.” Sam said looking at Nicole. The 2 girls huddled together when they started hearing large booms that were a far distance off.


The group ran toward the apartments as explosions echoed all around them. They seemed to be getting closer.

“Don’t you think Sam would go to a shelter?” Abby asked running beside Jake.

“Ya but I want to make sure.” Jake answered back. Something streaked over the street about 25 feet above the group’s heads. They all dove for the ground. Seconds later there was an explosion. Everyone looked to see a large hole in a building down the street.

“What was that?” Markus yelled up to Jake.

“It was a missile, TZI must be closer to here then I thought and what the hell are you 3 doing here?” Jake yelled dusting himself off. Other people that had dove to the ground when the missile hit were doing the same and running for the nearest shelter.

“The shelter was full so we decided to try to catch up with your guys.” Trent said.

“Ok lets hurry and get to the apartment then.” Jake said as he started running back towards the apartment.


“Why did you ask me if I ever kissed a boy?” Sam asked Nicole to keep their minds off of the loud explosions that were getting louder.

“I was going to give Markus a kiss, but I’m not really sure what to do.”

“What do you mean you don’t know what to do, just kiss him on the lips, guys like that.”

“I know that, but I was told to use my tongue. I don’t know what they mean by that. Do I just stick my tongue in his mouth, what if he doesn’t like it?”

“I don’t think you should take it that far this soon. Just kiss him on the cheek or on the lips. If he wants to take it farther then he will and if you don’t want to you tell him that.”

“Ya I guess so, thanks.”

“Did I help any?”

“Sort of, I’ll wait for a few more weeks before I try kissing him with my tongue, I might actually ask him what he thinks of stuff like that?”

“Ya that’s a good idea.”

“Sam does it sound like the explosions are getting closer?” Nicole asked a little worried.

“Ya they do.” Sam answered, looking towards the big window.


“Come on we have to hurry.” Jake said still running. He could see the apartment building about 2 blocks down.

8 or 9 streaks of white and red leapt into the air from a few streets over and started curving back down towards the ground. The arc was too great of the streaks and they started hitting the ground. They were heading towards the apartment building.

They started hitting the ground and exploding. 5 of the streaks hit the road in front of the apartment building. They hit one right after the other, in a line. Chunks of material flew through the air. The concussion for the explosions shattered windows everywhere.

The other streaks slammed into the apartment. 1 flew into the forth floor, 1 into the eighth floor above Jake and Sam’s apartment. 2 other streaks hit the roof, parts of the building collapsed into the street. Half the windows blew out when the streaks exploded. Flames were all over the building and the ground around it.

Jake and Lisa screamed as the streaks hit the building. The whole group ran faster towards the apartment building. They all started yelling out Sam’s name. No one answered.

From down the street and around a corner the sounds of metal clanking against metal could be heard. The sounds of battle raged on. Trent and Zak ran around each side of the building looking for a way in, the rest of the group climbed into the rubble and tried finding a way in. Everyone kept yelling Sam’s name.

Zak and Trent ran back round to the front where everyone was. “All the doors have stuff inside blocking them.” Zak said as he started helping look for a way in. “And we couldn’t break any windows.”

They looked everywhere for a way to the stairs but every entrance was blocked by debris. The group started removing stuff way from a door, but the going was slow, the debris was large and heavy.

Then from down the street 2 mechs came around the corner in hand to hand combat. One was a TIZ mech and the other was a city police mech. Both had a lot of damage, but still the 2 fought. Both were oblivious to the damage that they were doing to the street, vehicles and buildings as both walked onto them and got slammed into them.

They were coming closer as the group dug. Markus saw that they were coming their way and he yelled. “We have to get out of here now!”

Chris, Bru and Zak stopped and looked. “No! We’re no leaving Sam!” Jake yelled as he kept digging. Abby and Trent looked at the 2 mechs as they came towards their way and grabbed Lisa and Jake. Bru helped Trent with Jake because he tried to get out of Trent’s grip. Lisa fought too but Chris could handle her.

They dragged Lisa and Jake to the other side of the street away from the 2 mechs and the apartment building. “Let me go, we have to get back in there, we have to save her.” Jake yelled and struggled against Bru, Trent and Zak. Abby and Chris were holding Lisa, but she wasn’t struggling. Lisa was just looking at Sam's apartment. The wall that was facing the street was gone, from what she could see the apartment had a large fire in it.

The 2 70 foot giants came crashing down the street. They had a death grip on each other and looked like they had been fighting for hours. There were dents the size of mech fists in each of them. They lost their grip on each other. The police mech had its back to the apartment. The TZI mech pulled its arm back and slammed it huge metal fist into the police mechs chest. The hit was hard enough that it threw the police mech off balance and it fell into the apartment building.

More of the building collapsed but it seemed to be holding the police mech up a little. The slightly larger TZI mech backed up a few of its feet and doors opened up on the front of it. Streaks of white smoke like the ones that had hit the street and the building streamed out of it, 9 or 10 in total.

Everyone of the streaks either hit the police mech or the building. Jake screamed Sam’s name again and Lisa passed out. Satisfied that the police mech was never going to move again the TZI mech turned around and walked down the street the way it had come.

Jake kept screaming out Sam’s name, elbowed Trent in the nose, which started bleeding. Bru and Zak lost their grip on him and Jake ran for the apartment. Bru and Zak followed closely. Abby and Chris moved Lisa to the edge of the street and leaned her up against the building they were next to. Markus started running for the apartment but Trent grabbed him while still holding his bleeding nose.

“You stay here out of the way, they’ll get Jake.” Trent told Markus. Markus didn’t look convinced but he did stay with Trent. He watched as Bru and Zak started catching up with Jake.

As Jake got closer to the building he could hear it straining under the mechs heavy weight. He didn’t care; all he wanted to do was find Sam. He climbed inside of the building and started moving stuff away from the door as he was doing before but there was 10 times as much debris as before.

Bru and Zak run up and climbed into the building after Jake. “Come on Jake you have to get out of here, its unstable!” Zak yelled, but Jake kept moving debris and never responded to him.

Both Zak and Bru grabbed Jake’s shoulders and started dragging him out. A piece of metal fell from above Bru, and hit him in the face, knocking him off his feet. Blood quickly ran down his face.

Jake snapped out of his frenzy as Bru yelled in pain. Jake turned around and grabbed Bru, helping him up. There was a large bang from above the 3 and as they looked up they saw a large piece of building falling down. Jake pushed Zak into Bru knocking the 2 over, and then he started after them but it was too late.

The piece of building ran down his back and left leg. It knocked him over, ripping open his clothing and sprayed blood everywhere. He yelled in pain, all he could do was feel pain. Bru and Zak dragged Jake out of the rubble and over to the rest of the group.

Then all their hopes died as large booms and metal being ripped apart could be heard from the building. The mech fell flat on its back crushing everything under it. Seconds later the rest of the building collapsed on top of it, the mech was buried, with only the feet stuck out from the rubble, a huge cloud of dust rose from the remains to the heavens and down the street towards the group.

Bru and Zak set Jake down and collapsed to the ground them selves. The dust cloud covered them and started clearing almost right away. The tears running down their faces mixing with the dust. Lisa lay against the building passed out. Jake lay on the ground unconscious from his injuries, bleeding. Abby and Chris held each other, both were crying. Trent stood there looking over at Markus, unable to look at the collapsed building. Blood still trickled out of his nose mixing with tears and dust running down his face.

Markus looked back at Trent and then at the building. “We have to get Jake and Bru to the hospital.” Markus said and Trent nodded. Markus helped Bru get up then Zak and Trent lifted Jake and started off down the road. Chris and Abby picked up Lisa and also started down the road. Markus lead Bru down the road. “We’ll come back for her won’t we Bru?” Markus asked looking back at the pile of rubble that was the apartment building that they had been living in.

“We will.” Bru answered in a somber voice. “We will.” Tears finally over took Markus.

[Gwarsbane]

Sorry it took so long to put it up after the first posting, but a stream of calls that took me away from the computer came in.

I also had to take out a couple of things that gave too much away, its stuff that you learn near the start of the book, but since this is not the start of the book I didn't want to give away any of the plot.

[g-boy]

I didn't read it all yet, but first thing is get rid of the arabic numbers... when writing anything, whether you want it to be a work of literature or unique compared to everything else, you always spell out numbers. Exceptions would be like if you had in quotes what a sign said like "The sign read 'Motel 6.'" Another exception might be if you are referring to something mathematical or monetary. Even then, it would be better to write "three dollars" instead of "$3.00." And in dialogue... you would never ever use arabic numbers, because you are writing what the person is actually saying. One of the big problems with using arabic numbers (aside from the fact that you'd never get published...) is when you start a sentence with it. It is extremely distracting. Sentences start with capital letters, and if you start it with a number, there is nothing to capitalize. So it looks really weird.

One other "exception" might be for large or complex numbers. That can get confusing to the reader, like "sixteen million four hundred and seventy-two thousand nine hundred and thirty-two" is annoying compared to 16,472,932. However, generally you wouldn't use numbers like that unless you are referring to a statistic or something like that, in which case you may put in in arabic numbers anyway.

When I read more of it, I'll criticize some more... I'm a writer too, so I'll let let you know when something bothers me... I wanted to punch your lights out when I first saw it (The 2 girls giggled and started laughing) and then I wanted to cut your body into little pieces and use it as chum when I noticed you consistently did it. The thing is, if you've written that much, I feel sorry for you, because you're gonna have to go through and change almost every number. Alright, alright, I'll shut up now before I get carried away.

P.S. Forgot this, never spell out dates, use the arabic numbers, and also sometimes a person's age.

[kermit]

bah...that's the book editor's job...lol