Daddy's Dating Rules.

[PIX]

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove
them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come
to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I
will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain
saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you
to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.